One beautiful summer evening, Billy was taking a walk. It was a walk of winners. Well, a walk of winners in Billy’s mind. He strutted like he was a New Kid on the Block. Not a Marky Mark strut though. If that were the case, this story would not have too many good vibrations.
Billy was enjoying a pleasant walk, but as he turned a corner, he saw something. He thought to himself, “It can’t be!” But lo and behold! It was Jake the Raccoon! Jake was rummaging through some neighborhood trash! Billy had to make a decision. “Do I feel lucky? Well, do I?”
Who did he expect to answer? Was his question rhetorical? Why is Billy so dramatic about raccoons? The world may never know and probably does not need to.
Apparently, the raccoon had started on Weight Watchers to recover from the incident that had covered him in grease! Or was this a different smaller raccoon? It is more dramatic to have it be the same raccoon. In either case, this raccoon looked pretty fit.
Billy was relatively certain that he couldn’t outrun him this time (he never chased him before, this was in Billy’s imagination) because Billy had packed on some weight since their last encounter. He no longer had Usain Bolt speed; his speed had decreased to something more akin to professional baseball player Prince Fielder. In fact, Billy probably had more in common with Fielder than Bolt. But we’ll give him a break since he was working at a fast-food corporation.
The raccoon hadn’t noticed Billy yet. Billy began to slowly slither away. More alliteration? Gross. In retrospect this evasion was a mistake, he could have just backed away slowly. Humans do not slither well nor do they slither fast. Never the less, Billy still hadn’t been noticed by the raccoon. Man, it was enjoying that trash. Seriously, it was really digging in. Like, wow. That is an intense meal.
It was at this moment that Billy realized he could escape if he got up and walked away, but he thought to himself, “It’s too risky! I should roll instead!” So, Billy began to roll.
He deserves to die. Natural Selection. But we don’t all get what we want. Billy lives. And I continue to narrate his story. Such is life.
As Billy began rolling, the raccoon looked up and noticed him. Jake the raccoon was very full and he decided to stroll away.
That’s it. They both just left and never had any real conflict. Now you see why I constantly complain? I am forced by fanciful fate to tell a story of irrelevance.