So, the other day, I was watching a Vine compilation video on Youtube with Mary Ruth, as we so often do, and something was revealed to me. Something of the utmost most importance. Since Vines was shut down, we have had a steady increase in societal chaos. I believe that this is happening because we lost the outlet to our most chaotic nature.
Vine provided a deep societal role. We needed this outlet to shove all of our chaotic tendencies into. Before when we desired chaos, we could click on the app and watch someone welcome us to Chili's. No longer can we give in to an impulse to create or accidentally stumble on to something like that. Now what? Where are we to turn? Apparently, we need chaos so bad that we have allowed it to spill onto the main stage with President Trump's (insert adjective here) Twitter account and his electoral rival, Joe Biden, who hopefully remembers his name by the time the election rolls around.
Also, is it Vines or Vine? I'm not really sure. I am forced to do the only academically and journalistically honest thing I can: switch usage every other time. That way, I'm only wrong half the time.
Without Vine, we have been forced to see reason submerged into the dark depths of darkish darkness. Chaos reigns supremely supreme! I know what you are thinking. How do I know? I know because I'm certain you are thinking something that you think every day now that just a few years ago, you never would have thought about. I know it's chaos.
In fact, Vines being gone has probably caused an increase in hurricanes. Literally. All of our chaotic energy has been redirected into the atmosphere and the only way to fix this problem is by recording ourselves doing some kind of purely Millenial humor on our phones.
Some of you are thinking, "WHAT ABOUT TIK TOK?" Tik Tok is not the same. It is mostly people doing weird dances using only their arms. That's not chaotic. That's stupid. Arm dances don't satiate our eternal need for chaos. Tik Tok is like knock-off cereal. It can't say that it's magically delicious because it's obviously only unusually tasty. Tik Tok is a Kesha song. Tik Tok on the clock, I'm a jerk like Mister Spock. That's how it goes, right?
See if you can follow my logic. First, Vines are canceled, and then Covid-19 happens? Coincidence? Nope. That's straight-up journalism right there. If you say it's not journalism, then you are just a hater. Write that down so you don't forget. It is spelled "h" "8" "er." Boom. If you call this fake news, then I'll call you fake news. In fact, because this is literally a fact, I'll call your mother and tell her that she raised fake news.
So, in the end, we all have to realize the truth. The truth that they are not telling you. The end of Vines marked the end of civilization as we know it. Can we fix it? Or is it too late? I'm not one to fear-monger but it's definitely over. I also don't believe in hyperbole, but I would be remiss if I didn't let you know that if we don't bring back Vine, society will grow steadily more chaotic until we live in a Dada play. We must contain the chaos in an app that we can access on our cell phones or face our doom. If you say I'm over exaggerating, I'll be forced to not care at all what you say. Choose wisely.
Anyway, how's your day going?